I want to tell you the truth. I am a tired young(ish) mom and the invitation to write here surprises me. At the moment, three children are demanding popsicles and need to be tucked in. Bedtime being something I always imagined would be far more romantic than it actually is. It’s a zoo. Today, suddenly overcome with end-of-summer-break-post-camping-exhaustion, I gave up at 3:30, put them in front of the television and went to bed. Laundry looms and dinner was processed food. I’m not sure my successes outweigh my failures in the realm of mothering and I’m banking on enough time left to make it up to them. I’m worried. My children are young and we’ve all just barely reached the age that offers me the gift of perspective. I’m still trying to find the inner strength to do it better. Every. Single. Day.
I want to tell you the truth. There are phantom pains that haunt me. Aching that persists and meets me over and over again. This comes from my place of origin and the original amputation in my life. A girl born to addicts heading to jail. Prolonged parental abandonment. The absence of true belonging. The pain of this loss refuses to stay put and my heart refuses to let go of the longing I feel towards these parents whose blood is mine. Even though I know better. There is a sadness in me, a homesickness of sorts.
I want to tell you the truth. I can sink into shame and forget my worth. This comes naturally to me. There’s a negative script that plays in my head I am trying to rewrite but the grueling work of this isn’t finished yet. I am just now learning to love myself. (I know, I know.) I thought I could fake it and I did. This not-so-old way of mine, of niceness and put-together(ed)-ness, is a well trodden path. I thought it was the only way. It feels like death to me to leave it behind. But I believe that death brings resurrection. And I have been shown a new way. Every step I have managed to take on this new road has required deep faith, relentless courage and a complete willingness to fall.
So, to start this right, I want to tell you the truth. My truth. That is all I really know. It’s all I expect to find to write about here. And if it is true that truth will set us free, then let’s go for it. Let’s speak it all. The deep dark despairing truth. When we let light shine into our own darkness, the darkness will not overcome us. And in the darkest places of my soul, I have begun to find the original Light, Life and Love.