I think I finally got rid of that hideous growth on my butt. I went to Captain Fluffy Face who told me to work it off with a computer keyboard.
I bid goodbye to my left femur, though, because I discovered by mistake that my keyboard was equipped with ultra hot laser beams that could slice through skin and muscle and bone. I wasn’t trying to sabotage my leg. These things just happen when you’re working to rid yourself of something terribly ugly.
The good news is my neighbor, whom I had never met, noticed my bloody appendage I had thrown onto the front lawn and had pity on me. For the next several months he fed me plenty of pepperoni pizza while I hopped around on one leg making strange goat noises.
My neighbor’s name is Bob and he’s great.
So, you see? If you’re ever trying to get rid of a nasty growth on your body, you just might make a new friend and that is super duper awesome!