CC Issue 13 / Comedy

How to Make a Decision

“Indecision becomes decision with time.”

Should I go to university?
What career is right for me?
Who should I marry?
What colour socks should I wear?
Where should I live?
Should I invest in shares or property?

Our life is a series of decisions.  How do we make the right one?  Don’t worry, chums.  You’ll find all the answers you need (and more) below.

1.  Lay all your options on the table.

Literally.  Get a piece of A4 paper and cut it into 11cm x 3cm strips.  On each piece of paper, write one of your options.  Now, once you have gathered all of your options together, lay them out neatly in rows, leaving a few centimetres between each piece.   I know what you’re thinking: “Nick, I don’t have a ruler and can’t be exactly sure of the length and width.  What should I do?”  Buy a ruler.

2.  Make a list of pros and cons

Let the pieces of paper on the table simmer for a while.  Now that you have your options on the table, look at them intently for exactly 3 minutes.  Your subconscious will now be helping make the decision for you.  Now, stand up, close your eyes, turn in a circle 3 times and slam your index finger down on the table.  If your finger lands on the 2nd and 3rd letters of one of your words, that is the right decision for you and you can move directly to Step 4.  If not, move to Step 3.

3.  Go with your gut

Ignore the list of pros and cons, which was largely a waste of time.  Look deep into your soul and ask yourself, ‘What is right for me?’  Meditate on this for as long as it takes for you to really know.  Congratulations – you’ve made your decision.

4.  Commit to your decision

Sometimes the right decision is difficult to make.  Too often I see people that know what is right for them but do not have the courage to stick with it.  They say to me, “Nick, I know what I must do, but I fear I have not the heart.”  At that point, I always look them right in the eye and say, “Insert name, I know you can do it.  Do you know why?  Because I’ve met hundreds of people going through exactly what you’re going through, but you are by far the most impressive.  Now, off you go, you little scallywag.  Do what you know is right.”

5.  Re-think your decision

Now that you’ve made your decision, it’s time to ask the inevitable question: are you sure?  You’re probably not.  If you still have all your options laid out on the table, now might be a time to go and look at them again.

6.  Change your mind

Experience tells me that the first instinct is rarely correct.  It’s time to change your mind for a bit and see how this option feels.

7.  Repeat

Continue this cyclical process until either somebody else makes the decision for you or external circumstances force you into one particular option.

8.  Regret

Unfortunately, no matter what decision you made, it’s likely that something else would have been better for you anyway.  Think about it, if you had made different decisions up to this point, you could have been a happily married billionaire with an unerring sense of purpose, an enthusiasm for each new day and a bloody nice car.  Your inability to have acquired these things makes you a failure.

There you have it, dear readers.  Follow this guide and you will be equipped to tackle the most difficult decisions of your life.

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